Self-Doubt and Other Complete Wastes of Time

Okay, it's late and I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. Why? Because I'm trying something new, exciting and scary these days and I'm letting myself come unglued over it.

I'm teaching (or attempting to teach) a ladies class at church about food and healthy eating. It comes as no surprise to you, dear reader, that food is a passion of mine. I've often thought about teaching a class or writing a book on the subject so when I was asked to do this, I jumped at the chance.

Jumped off a cliff is a more apt description and I'm in a full-on free fall right now.

Public speaking isn't my forte but it's not my worst fear either. I'm just not fabulous at it. I'm okay, though, with hanging my lesser talents out for all to see. I appreciate it when someone steps out of their comfort zone and I feel safe with the wonderful group of ladies who so graciously give me their attention.

I think what's so hard for me is that I'm writing the lessons as well. Trying to condense four years of self-education in to a weekly thirty minute lessons of coherent and, hopefully, inspiring material is so much harder than I thought. I find myself writing pages and pages and then realizing that it's way too much information.

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I love how God uses others to remind us of His will. As I lay here trying to shut my mind off and fall asleep, I remembered a blog link that my brother sent me just this morning so I went back to read it again. Feeling inspired by the writer's attitude of just being who she is, I decided to write here.

After all, if someone reads a post here and decides I'm a kook, then they don't have to read it anymore and I'm none the wiser. Honestly, though, I think we're all a little kooky and I'm grateful for that.

I love blogging but I often find myself not posting because I feel the need to continually 'fix' things here. I daydream about having the time to reorder posts, organize the labels and keywords and edit the inevitable 'stupid' things I said. What's really bad (and I hate to admit this) is that this is how I feel about my life. I feel a deep need to reset the logic of my existence.

(Oh, how shamefully high the control-freak flag is flying...)

What I am beginning to realize is that my need for things to 'make sense' far exceeds my ability to create such structure. I have no idea what to do with that. Am I a free spirit stuck in a first-born mindset? Am I just afraid to be who I am?

Yuck, I don't want that to be the truth...

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That said, I'm going to continue (as fearlessly as I can) preparing for and teaching the class. I have concerns with doing so, such as possibly offending someone or forgetting what I'm trying to say (which happened tonight - ugh) but I'm human and that's okay.

So, this is my stop-being-my-own-worst-critic post. Is it going to work?

If I don't delete this 'stupid' post first thing in the morning, I'll know there's hope for me yet.