Lessons In Grace

What was I thinking??

All I wanted was for the garden to be watered. I should have known, though, that...

One hose + three kids = the mother of all screaming fights.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Today is my mom's birthday. (Why, yes, she is 29 again! How did you know?) Truthfully, I really think she's still about seven in her heart.

Long ago, she chose to measure her success by her family. I'm not talking about anything stage-momish either. She has never had a career outside the home. She is a keeper of the home and the souls entrusted to her. As we grew up and moved away, she was forced to 'retire' from her daily duties. While I know she needed breaks like every parent, she did not relish that permanent change.

Fortunately, God has blessed each of us three kids with three of our own. Seeing my parents as grandparents has given me a new perspective on their inner children. I have been very blessed by that and, as grandparents, they have given us some of their greatest gifts.

When I was six months pregnant with my second child, I was put on complete bed rest. I was allowed fifteen minutes of standing per day. That wasn't enough to fix meals and shower much less take care of my sweet little 17-month-old. My mom drove an hour-and-a-half each morning to pick up Sam and drove back to her house. Almost every afternoon, she brought him back so that we could still feel like a family.

That continued for three months. I cannot imagine the exhaustion (or the gas cost) but she did it without complaining. Carrying that burden as well as a mother's concern for her daughter's unborn child is such an example of unconditional love and is truly a debt that cannot be repaid.

• • • Other observations on Mom • • •

My mom is a perfect blend of her parents. Warm, nurturing and a little mischievous like my Grommie but a quick-witted, merciless teaser like Granddaddy. 

She doesn't accept societal norms and isn't afraid to be different. As feminism was hitting its stride during my childhood, she would roll her eyes at others' attempts to climb corporate ladders and go to the kitchen to make Kool-Aid and cookies for all of the neighborhood kids.

She let us stay home from school (occasionally) for no reason other than "My calendar says there's no school today". She would actually tell the school secretary, "our bus isn't running today".

Fearless and independent, she has bungee jumped, been skydiving and, in the past decade, acquired a couple of tattoos.

I have to leave you, though, with one of my favorite Mom stories ever....

Last July, she, my sister Libby and some of the grandkids were in the car for a day trip. My sister, trying to be accommodating in adjusting the air conditioning, asked, "Mom, are you cold?"

My mom, in all sincerity, replied, "Well, I don't know. I could be cold," as if it were a subjective question. The laughter Libby fell into rendered her a completely unfit driver.

Now, all three of us women can be accommodating to the point you'd want to beat us over the head to get a decision out of us but my sister and I thought this was just the ultimate in trying to please someone else.

Now, whenever we reach an impasse over a decision, Libby and I are likely to say, "But, Mom, are you cold???"

Yes, my friends, that's the lousy thanks she gets for years of sacrifice and an excellent raising. So, maybe Mom's best birthday present is witnessing the fact that we each have kids just like us.

Happy birthday, Mom! I love you!

The 2010 Flood, One Year Later

Our home was not affected by the major flooding that Nashville suffered (here, here and here) a year ago but our hearts were touched by the losses so many loved ones faced.

For me, I witnessed the devastation through the eyes of my dear friend, Julie, her mom and sister. Their home was hit hard and they waited several very long hours to be rescued on May 2nd. The struggle to find housing to accommodate them and their dogs and the uncertainty of aid to cover their losses were just the beginning of worries that quickly set in. 

The days, weeks and months ahead certainly had their moments of frustration and tears but, somehow, a year has now passed and what will perhaps never be complete healing is well underway. I have a couple of pictures that, to me, represent the emotion of the past year. 

May 7, 2010 - We bagged up everything
in her bedroom. I snapped this photo as she tossed
the bags out the window. 

May 7, 2011 - We ran a 5K to celebrate life
and create a better May 7th memory.

'Here In The Real World'

Not that I've been a very good blogger lately but I'm afraid it's going to be worse before it gets better. One of my best friends is returning to artist management. I worked for her for ten years in our first run and am excited to get going again. What exactly I'll be doing I don't know but, as with most small companies, mostly whatever needs to be done.

So, while I was busy already with our house project, I now need to help get a complete office set up ASAP. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you'll check back soon!!

Bye-Bye, Mainstream Healthcare

Well, we're taking the plunge. After looking at how much we spend for health insurance (more than $1000/month) and knowing how little we actually use the benefits, we are dropping the coverage. A major-medical-only policy costs a fraction and even provides some preventative care benefits.

Can you see the cream line? Shake and drink - YUM!

As time goes by, I am more and more convinced that most health problems can be eliminated or diminished by changing our eating habits and the quality of our food. What cannot be helped by dietary changes could likely have been prevented with better nutrition.

One of our biggest concerns about not having traditional health insurance has always been S's asthma. After several months of drinking raw milk, though, his dependence on his maintenance medications is almost nil. (We do keep them on hand in case he sleeps over with a friend with indoor pets and for allergy season.) This wouldn't be at all possible if he were younger and less able to communicate about his breathing, so we are very thankful for the opportunity to wean him off Western medicines.

Another note on raw milk -- we have discovered that three ounces of raw milk is both a powerful pre-workout snack and the perfect recovery aid. I'm not sure why that is but I would guess it's the ratio of protein and carbs as well as it being a 'living' food makes the nutrients more available as well.

Who Knew?

I was given an amazing gift today -- a gift of time, friendship and physical ability. Toss in a generous portion of beautiful weather and it really just doesn't get much better!!

When I got a text last night that today's trail-running route was fifteen miles, my signature self-doubt reared it's ugly head but after a tough week, I was mentally amped to give it a go. I ate my tried-and-true carb-rich foods yesterday and went to sleep early. I woke before the alarm and headed out. I knew I wasn't ready for the full fifteen yet but knowing all the bailout points on the trail made for a low pressure situation.

After only two miles, I fell behind but certainly wasn't spent. (I really wanted to run nine.) I urged my friend to run her best, pulled out my pepper spray (probably overkill but better safe than sorry) and was alone for the next two plus hours.

Little did I know that I had a twelve-miler in me! And, boy, was it just what I needed. That much time alone gives you lots of space to think (much like shelling peas). More than that for me, it's just the unique thrill of beating myself up and pushing past the barriers my mind sets for my body. It was a glorious moment when I became aware that two miles had passed without any awareness that I was running -- ahhhh -- the wonderful high!

Before now, my longest trail run was eight miles so this is a big achievement for me and is fabulously close to my longest road run of 18 miles.

On a related note, my buddy, Julie, and I have decided that the 50K race is not in the cards for us this year as I had purposed. I can't express how much I've looked forward to meeting that challenge but with the flood and her resulting broken ankle, it's just not wise to run the required miles in two months. I've stubbornly run injured through the last half of a half marathon before and paid for it with five months of no running at all. It wasn't worth it.

God willing, we'll be able to train properly next year and collect that 50K medal. Until then, I've got my heart set on a race about half that distance. After today, I know I can do that....

Quiet Time

Yesterday, I spent 45 quiet minutes shelling field peas for freezing. It was a simple task and I was surprised at the introspection and calmness it brought to my day.

As I opened the pods, I studied their structure from time to time appreciating (yet again) the artistry and beauty of God's imagination. Other than that, I didn't really have anything on my mind. As the minutes passed, I noticed that my thoughts weren't on the worries and strivings of this world, such as material things and scheduling, but on simple pleasures and God-centered contentment. I was very relaxed and, thus, wondered if I should save the remainder of pods until right before bedtime!

Of course, it then dawned on me that this is what we're missing these days. Menial tasks that allow us time -- time to appreciate, time to reflect, time to be at peace. I thought about the things we use to 'relax', for example, watching television. If you really think about it, though, watching TV is not relaxing but stimulating. It makes us 'hungry' and think we 'need' things that we really don't.

Long ago, I learned something about T. Very often, when watching a movie or show, she would ask for something to eat. And, very often, she had just had a meal. She wasn't allowed 'screen time' everyday which gave me the chance to see a pattern. If she sat in front of the TV, she was 'hungry', if she was playing (busy hands), she wasn't. She quickly learned that if she asked for a snack during TV time, she would have to turn off the TV to prove to herself that she wasn't really hungry. That bad habit was quashed quickly!

What I learned from that is that none of us is immune to the pull of suggestion or boredom. So when I apply her behavior to myself, I could see all kinds of pitfalls. After all, I'm the one who (mostly) controls what foods come into our home and what habits/behaviors are allowed.

My husband pointed out that the many efficiencies of our culture rob us of so much. I think he's right. One of the things that so often gets in the way of spiritual fulfillment is the lack of stillness. Now, for everyone, that's not going to be about shelling peas but it worked for me.

Mom

Today is my mom's birthday. The kids and I (along with my sister, her youngest and my brother's two little ones) took her and Dad to the mountain where she was born. We had a picnic overlooking the valley.

I wanted to do something different to celebrate with her and I can't express how much fun we all had. The weather couldn't have been more perfect if we had sent God a special request.

It was all so simple -- egg salad, veggies and fruit on a few blankets followed by swinging the kids (even the big ones!) in a blanket and Mom's favorite schoolyard game, Red Rover -- but almost magical, as we were on top of the world and time stood still just for us. The unfortunately reality was, though, that the time absolutely flew by. I was so sorry when it was time to leave.

We've all promised to do it again very soon and I'm determined to make it happen. Nothing I could have done today would have meant more than celebrating the birth of the person who loved me first and, even now, loves me more than anyone else. (No offense, Dad and hubby but I'm a mommy too so I know the deal...) :)

Thank you, Mom, for being who you are. You are beautiful, talented, generous and have more imagination than most kids I know!

(NOTE: The above photo was not taken today. It's just one I love. My sis has a fancy-schmancy new camera so I let her take all the pics. I didn't feel like slumming with the point-and-shoot one I brought!)

Recovery

These days, I drive through way too many neighborhoods which look like this. In open spaces and lining both sides of the road, there are piles and piles of the things that made houses homes. Furniture, appliances, cabinets, drywall, carpet...it's really overwhelming and depressing.

If you've ever wondered what happens to all that, here's the answer. Below is a shot of a local park where the debris is being trucked. From here larger trucks transport it to landfills.

It was hard to capture the enormity of these hills of trash, but if it helps, the white rectangular object to the lower right of the tree is a refrigerator. There were several hills of the same size behind these.

I've been a negligent blogger, I know. Every day last week, I promised myself I'd write. But, somehow, the emotions seemed too daunting. Writing is such a great outlet for me but there was just too much to express and my sorrow was only about the pain others are feeling. I guess I'd be a true wreck if I'd lost my own home.

So, as much as I struggle with moving on with the lighter side of life while others face inconceivable losses, my being overwhelmed doesn't help anyone. Life does go on and we're all better off if we exercise our strengths when others are weak.

If you're still checking my blog, thanks! :)

Flooding, Day Four

I took this photo of the Harpeth River, although, if you're not familiar with it's normal flow, it might not be so astonishing but the water is nearly touching the underside of the bridge. The concrete where the bridge meets the road is so eroded I cringe driving over it.

The kids and I took our remaining family members to the airport this morning. I can only imagine how happy they are to leave Nashville. I just heard from an aunt and uncle who were evacuated from the Opryland Hotel over the weekend; they are one flight into their trip home.

We stopped by the church building on the way home to see if there was any way we could help. Right now, it seems I can best be used by doing laundry and offering to let people shower here since thousands are without water or under usage restrictions.

I have to laugh at the irony that a) I love doing laundry and b) I have a huge bucket of homemade detergent that I thought would be sitting around for months.

Any prayers you can offer for our communities are greatly appreciated.

As If I Needed More Proof That We're Sisters :)

After the hustle and bustle of getting everyone out the door this morning, I thought about how much I love our mornings together...except for the leaving part, of course.

I feel so honored to have such a husband who every morning tells me how much he loves me (apparently, he's not looking at my hair or flannel pjs at that moment...) And even though the kids can be a bit hard to drag out of bed and/or the shower, I know I'm going to miss all the craziness so much in the years to come. (I can't even bring myself to end that sentence with 'when they're gone'.)

In the moments when I allow myself to think about the time when the kids have moved away, I feel so lost. What will I do? I mean really, how will I get out of bed? I always come to the same conclusion...nothing will ever fulfill me like the busyness of mothering. I'll have to set my sights on other things to fill my hours and I hope they will always need me to do something for them. I suppose, though, that seeing the kids happily chasing their own dreams will plug the holes in my heart so I don't weep forever.

So, after I got over my little teary moments of panic, I read my sister's blog and found this. And, then, my sister-in-law's and read this which totally proves my point. Oh, great. It's just gonna be one of those half-a-box of tissues kind of days, huh? :)

The 'Mommy, Look!' Vase

If you're a mom, you've probably heard those words as one of your kids comes running at you with a fistful of wildflowers and the world's proudest expression on his/her face. It's sweet moment all the way around but we mothers know a broken heart is on the way when the flowers quickly wilt and die despite  our best efforts to prop them attractively in a small cup or the like.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately about repurposing and upcycling which Wikipedia defines as "the process of converting waste materials or useless products into new materials or products of better quality or a higher environmental value". 


There are some really creative people out there and I've been hoping their inspired vision will rub off on me. Finally, it did. Only in a small way, but I gotta start somewhere!

Pictured below is what I consider the perfect "Mommy" vase. It's just a spice jar with the plastic strainer-kind-of-thingy left on. This serves as the perfect frog for small flowers and holds their delicate stems up so it resembles a larger, 'real' arrangement. T was so proud when I showed her and some of the flowers have kept for a few days.

So, while I always reuse spice jars for spices from the bulk bins, I'll keep one on hand for these precious, open-hearted gifts.

Kerry

I laid Kerry to rest today.

Most of this post is pretty raw. That's just where I am right now so skip it if you want but let me first share with you the story of Kerry.

After we moved to our house about ten years ago, we noticed field mice visiting our basement. It was a newly constructed house in the woods so their presence wasn't shocking but not welcome either. Apparently, they thought is was a 'if-you-build-it,-we-will-come' arrangement.
A friend of my parents had some kittens and we took two. We decided to let each of the kids name one. (T wasn't born yet.) As they struggled to choose, I advised them to name their cat after something that they loved, something that was their favorite. S, 5, choose Ernie after the Sesame Street character, then E, 3, piped up with 'Carrie!'
Carrie was my brother's then-girlfriend. (Now, wife and mother of their three - almost! - kids.) Now, we all completely adored her and were thrilled by the joy she had brought to Lance's life. But, to E, Carrie was a rock star. So when I said the word 'favorite', it was no surprise to me that she thought of Carrie. 
Carrie, on the other hand, was probably less than thrilled at the prospect of having a cat (and male at that) named after her. Little did she know that that was one of the least weird things about our family but she became one of us anyway. :)  I told E we'd spell his name Kerry since that was the boy version.
The funny thing about Kerry and Ernie is that, to be brothers, they look nothing alike. Kerry was black and sleek - always. He never looked like an outdoor cat. Ernie, on the other hand, has light stripes and looks perpetually startled. He's more hair than cat and I'm not sure he looks different when bristled. 
While Ernie is the cool, unflappable one, Kerry was the sweetheart. When he'd come up to us, all we had to do was say, "Hi, Kerry!" and he'd start his loud purring while entwining himself in our legs.
What I keep telling myself is that he lived a good life. He lived the life God created cats to have...outside, climbing trees, chasing mice and birds and lots of warm, loving little hands when he wanted them.

Back to today...
After I posted yesterday, the vet called to let us know that he had a diaphragmatic hernia. He gave us the options and the night to think about it.

In the end, what it really came down to was the chances of a full recovery. He's an outdoor cat and always has been. I don't think he would transition well to an indoor life after so many years of outside freedom and fun. Plus, we have two asthmatics in our house so bringing him inside couldn't work anyway.

C and I decided yesterday that I should tell the kids right after school. I wanted them to have time to sort through their feelings a bit before bedtime. The actual breaking of the news, though, was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my years of motherhood. Their reactions ran the gamut of what you'd expect. Having three kids and only two arms left me continually at a loss.

This morning, no one mentioned it and I suppose that was best. After taking the kids to school, C and I came back. He dug a hole and I made an appointment.

At the vet's office, I was immediately a mess. I'm not a crier and I'm really not a public crier. Not this time. It was those big, gasping sobs. Not loud but hard to hide, you know? I paid first so I could just split when it was over.

When they brought Kerry in, I started changing my mind. Did he really seem better or was it just me wishing so much? Knowing I was choosing to end a life left me absolutely breathless. I felt like I was in a very small box. He went quickly and quietly. I wrapped him in a clean towel and carried him out.

If his life had ended as the result of someone else's accident, I could deal with this better. But it was me. I wasn't backing out fast, I wasn't careless but what did that really matter anyway? The end was the same. A beautiful, sweet creature is gone and I've a houseful of broken hearts to try to piece together. Not much I can do about the former, so on to the latter...I think I'll go take the kids out of school early and buy them some ice cream.

Spring Break

I'll be back to my normal blogging rhythm next week when school starts back. It's been a productive but relaxing week.

What I've been doing (instead of blogging):

• Cleaning everything out of the basement to get it ready for construction. Almost done!

• Playing games with the kids. I'm not always good at seizing the moment so I've made it a point to stop being 'busy' and sit down with them every day.  

• Lots of baking and cooking. 

• Dumping warm laundry on my kids on the cool mornings we've had. This is one of our favorite little habits. I love that they love this so much. If I call from the basement, "Everybody on the couch", they know what it means and go running. Any other time they would insist that there isn't enough room on the couch for three people.

• Sewing these little blankets and napkins.

Here We Go..

I'm taking a break from posting workouts on Mondays. If anyone misses them, please speak up! :)

Today, I met with our contractor and several subs. This house renovation thing is becoming more real. I am ready!

Here's what we have planned:

• Finishing our basement to add an additional bath, two more bedrooms and a kids 'hang out' space
• A two-level addition. The upper level will be a great room and a dining room. The lower level will be a new laundry room, a workshop and, most exciting to me, a below-ground cold storage room! This will be home to root vegetables, my home canned goods and, at long last, a deep freezer.
• Enlarged decking for entertaining space
• Regrading of our yard
• Clearing trees for additional parking as well as for more sunlight for vegetable gardening. Dare I hope that a chicken coop is in my future?! :) 

I am both excited and scared. We do need the extra space and look forward to hosting larger groups in our home but spending this kind of money is frightening, especially in times like these. Maybe it will give a few more men a bit more job security. That's what I choose to believe anyway...

Julie On The Road

My running buddy extraordinaire, Julie, has started blogging! (It's always fun to introduce someone new to the blogosphere!) She will be heading to Australia next week to sing for our troops. You can follow her adventures on this trip (and beyond) on her blog.

Check it out!

The Measure of A Man

After my husband left this morning, I looked out the window and was struck by the sight of the tracks he left as he walked down to his car. (It doesn't take a lot of snow here to make it dangerous to bring the cars to the house.) My heart just filled with appreciation for this incredible man and his strong work ethic who never complains about providing for us. I also like that I can see the point (about seven steps down) where he turned to wave. I don't deserve him but I'm thankful just the same...

Eat From The Pantry Week - UPDATE

Epic fail.

This was the official determination yesterday after I called my long-suffering husband to bring home dinner.

Oh well...

Eat From The Pantry Week

Lots of beautiful snow and a house on the cold side of the hill has rendered me home-bound for the past four days. Not a bad thing, mind you, but the more days the kids are out of school this week, the fewer I have to do my normal tasks.

Today, I decided to mark the grocery off my to-do list by declaring it Eat-From-The-Pantry Week. Thanks to the home-canned veggies and frozen meats from the CSA and dry goods from the bulk bins at our natural grocery, there's plenty of food around here. Besides, creative cooking is so much fun!

Tonight, we had what my husband calls 'Mulligan stew'. I tossed some veggies leftover from last night's dinner, ground beef, a few handfuls of pasta and a quart of stewed tomatoes into a big pot. During my trusty choose-spices-based-on-my-mood routine, I learned that it is indeed possible to use too much oregano. Not to worry, a little onion brought things back into balance and the simmering smells began bringing the kids to the kitchen asking, 'Oooh, what are we having?' 

A few hot, buttered whole grain muffins later, everyone was happy and sated. The kids jumped at the offer to watch Antiques Roadshow and we declared the day a success. 

But I'm still hoping we can get the car out tomorrow...

Go Cowboys!!

Hey, have you heard??? The Dallas Cowboys are the new NFC East Champs!!

The last two games have been especially sweet for me because I've worn the jersey my daughter, E, gave me for Christmas. She paid for it with her own money. I felt so guilty at first because it's an expensive gift, especially for an 11-year-old. She had her mind made up, though...

"What's the point of me buying you and Daddy presents with your money? That's just weird, Mommy."

Of course, that threw my other two kids into a panic. They apparently don't think it's weird at all. Or at least not too weird for them to get past...with all their cash safely stashed away.

Of course, from a mother's perspective, it matters not who pays for the gift a child gives or whether the offering costs anything at all. It's the bouncing around for days ahead of time in anticipation of their choices being revealed and the expectant watchfulness on their sweet little faces on Christmas morning. To see your children grow from self-centered toddlers into such thoughtful givers is truly magical.