Self-Doubt and Other Complete Wastes of Time

Okay, it's late and I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. Why? Because I'm trying something new, exciting and scary these days and I'm letting myself come unglued over it.

I'm teaching (or attempting to teach) a ladies class at church about food and healthy eating. It comes as no surprise to you, dear reader, that food is a passion of mine. I've often thought about teaching a class or writing a book on the subject so when I was asked to do this, I jumped at the chance.

Jumped off a cliff is a more apt description and I'm in a full-on free fall right now.

Public speaking isn't my forte but it's not my worst fear either. I'm just not fabulous at it. I'm okay, though, with hanging my lesser talents out for all to see. I appreciate it when someone steps out of their comfort zone and I feel safe with the wonderful group of ladies who so graciously give me their attention.

I think what's so hard for me is that I'm writing the lessons as well. Trying to condense four years of self-education in to a weekly thirty minute lessons of coherent and, hopefully, inspiring material is so much harder than I thought. I find myself writing pages and pages and then realizing that it's way too much information.

•  •  •

I love how God uses others to remind us of His will. As I lay here trying to shut my mind off and fall asleep, I remembered a blog link that my brother sent me just this morning so I went back to read it again. Feeling inspired by the writer's attitude of just being who she is, I decided to write here.

After all, if someone reads a post here and decides I'm a kook, then they don't have to read it anymore and I'm none the wiser. Honestly, though, I think we're all a little kooky and I'm grateful for that.

I love blogging but I often find myself not posting because I feel the need to continually 'fix' things here. I daydream about having the time to reorder posts, organize the labels and keywords and edit the inevitable 'stupid' things I said. What's really bad (and I hate to admit this) is that this is how I feel about my life. I feel a deep need to reset the logic of my existence.

(Oh, how shamefully high the control-freak flag is flying...)

What I am beginning to realize is that my need for things to 'make sense' far exceeds my ability to create such structure. I have no idea what to do with that. Am I a free spirit stuck in a first-born mindset? Am I just afraid to be who I am?

Yuck, I don't want that to be the truth...

•••

That said, I'm going to continue (as fearlessly as I can) preparing for and teaching the class. I have concerns with doing so, such as possibly offending someone or forgetting what I'm trying to say (which happened tonight - ugh) but I'm human and that's okay.

So, this is my stop-being-my-own-worst-critic post. Is it going to work?

If I don't delete this 'stupid' post first thing in the morning, I'll know there's hope for me yet.

House Update: Root Cellar

Our house project is nearing its official completion. The only thing remaining is having concrete poured to expand our parking area and extend the sidewalk.

Now that things are starting to feel a bit more put together around here, it's time to post some pics, don't you think?

As I've mentioned before our root cellar is my little gem. My dad brought a load of old barn wood up and he and Sam cut the boards to fit the shelves. 

Winter squash, onions and sweet potatoes keep
very well. At right, you can see the wireless
thermometer my parents gave me. The readout
is in my kitchen so I always know what the temp
is down there.

My reserves are getting very low. I have a lone jar of tomatoes
remaining. I will can a LOT more this season!

The key to preserving foods in the cellar is constant temperature and humidity. The humidity nearly takes care of itself. We control the temperature with:

• well-insulated interior walls
• a exterior-grade door to the interior of the house
• lack of heating/air-conditioning the surrounding rooms
• two exterior vents to release hot air and admit cooler air when the temps get too high

This is the upper vent.

The lower one has a water line running
through it for reasons that aren't interesting
at all. I wish it looked clean like the top one
but, hey, it does the job. 

Any thoughts? Anyone grow up with a below grade room for food storage?

Bye-Bye Empty Rolls???

If the kids can't manage to replace the
paper on this holder, they're going to
Aunt Libby's common courtesy boot camp!!

The New Fireplace...

... is almost complete.

This morning --

And this evening --

Root Cellar

My greatest wish when planning the house addition was to have a root cellar. My sweet hubby gladly gave up some square footage from his workshop and I did a lot of canning to prove I'd really use it.

I have anxiously awaited the day I could use it to store my jars and some root veggies. It's not quite done but it's very close. For the shelves, we'll be using barn wood from a outbuilding at my parents' house. Can't wait to have another reminder of my carefree, blessed childhood in my own home.

Snow!

A few inches of snow fell yesterday. We don't normally get this much this early in the season but I'll take it and the two days out of school! I hate to say it but I hope they go back after tomorrow so I can finish my shopping... :) 

Anyway, we had fun playing outside and I snapped a pic of the addition side of the house. The section left of the chimney is new.

Anyone Out There? :)

Well, I'm going to slink back into blogging just before the year ends...we'll see if anyone is still reading!

We are at the very end of our house project. We've been blessed to work with wonderful, funny, smart people throughout the process and, even with the bumps along the way, it's been a good thing. It all looks so great and I can't wait to share the before and after pics.

Unfortunately, our current situation is one I'm finding very, very stressful. Until a week or so ago, the work (and mess) was largely confined to the addition and basement -- outside of our living space. We were crowded and a lot more cluttered than usual but it was workable.

However, now we have tile being installed in our master bath at one end of the house and the two near-complete doorways to the addition on the other end. Those doorways enter into the kitchen and the living room so the house is lightly covered in drywall dust at both ends. Between that and the workers making umpteen trips through the house means everything looks dirty. And I do mean everything. I try to clean it up everyday but this isn't like dirt tracked in from the yard. It's like ultra-slingy super dust!

I recently gave up worrying about what the men working here think as my very kind project manager advised me to do long, long ago. It's so messy, cluttered and truly dirty that I cannot possibly keep up. My focus has become keeping the kitchen, bathrooms and beds clean and attempt to keep us in clean clothes. That's less than the bare minimum, don't you think? It makes me feel like a complete failure as a wife and mother but my mantra has become 'it's only temporary, it's only temporary'.

Anyway, the final test of my sanity comes next week as we have hardwood installed in our entire current living space (except the bedrooms). I want to cry just thinking about it. I have no idea where I'll put anything much less everything.

And, yes, I know that asked for all of this and we know what a tremendous blessing it is to be able to do this. I only ask to keep my wits in the week to come...

Hey -- for anyone still reading, thank you!!

'Here In The Real World'

Not that I've been a very good blogger lately but I'm afraid it's going to be worse before it gets better. One of my best friends is returning to artist management. I worked for her for ten years in our first run and am excited to get going again. What exactly I'll be doing I don't know but, as with most small companies, mostly whatever needs to be done.

So, while I was busy already with our house project, I now need to help get a complete office set up ASAP. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you'll check back soon!!

Addition Update

Here's what things look like today!

House Decorating and Design

I recently came across Houzz. It's similar to looking through design magazines minus the paper waste. After creating an account, you can save photos to your 'ideabook' and add comments on what you like about the pictured space. It's provided lots of interesting ideas on how to use our new space.

Coming Clean...

Well, over the weekend, I was bellyaching to my long-suffering husband about our water woes since our faucets' output is still not suitable for drinking and cooking. Then, a strikingly novel thought occurred to me...what if I just Let. It. Go???

I mean, even I am tired of fretting over the delays and inconveniences we've encountered so far, so I know that everyone else is tired of hearing it.

Soooooo.....I hereby proclaim that last week will now officially be known as 'Week One' of construction. Bygones be gone already!

This week we are scheduled to have a new water tank installed, have the slab poured for the workshop/root cellar and receive our first order of lumber. Framing and land clearing may begin as well.

So, cue that incessant 80s hit, 'New Attitude' and check out last week's progress!

I'm Thinking Maybe Not

We are having water issues again. The word (over the phone) from our well company guy was that it was safe to drink and use for cooking. Maybe he should come out and see it first. What do you think? I know what I think and you can bet your buttons that my 'babies' won't be ingesting a drop!

No explanation yet as to how dirt is getting into our in-ground tank but it really puts a damper on cooking, bathing and cleaning around here. The toilets look especially embarassing...like they've never been flushed.

I'm usually of the mindset that we'll look back and laugh on most troubles. Can't wait to get this particular one far enough behind me to do so!

Kitchen Project

As usual, my decision to paint the cabinets turned into more. I also painted the walls and took out the microwave which we'll replace with a range hood. I'm so glad this task is done!

Before:


After:

Good Times

For the first time, all of the kids went to church camp. I know they're having lots of fun but home just isn't home with their silliness, needs and crises. I'm not good at relaxing without them around. (And, yes, I'm aware that I need to work on that in the next few years!)

To beat feelings of aimlesness, I decided to take on the most daunting house project I could think of -- painting the kitchen cabinets.  It's exactly as much fun as I thought it would be. Which is to say...none. But I've wanted them painted for a long time so, this week, my mantra is 'good things come to those who do.'

Hopefully, by the time the kids get home, the living room won't look like the kitchen threw up in it and I can share some pics!

Gotta Let It Go - A Rant

Today, I'm really frustrated. As I've mentioned before, we are adding on to our house. Our excavator has proven himself to be a dud. It's a shame - I had hoped my intuition about him was wrong. We are weeks and weeks behind and nothing is happening until we find someone to complete the job. Our fence has been disassembled so our dogs are in a little pen. Our yard is a ridiculous mess. I'm going to take the weed-eater to the small patches of grass that remain so I don't feel so ashamed when I look out the windows. The back deck is covered in dying plants that I moved from the garden for regrading. We can't drink our well water due to an excavator mishap; if you've been reading here very long you KNOW how I feel about drinking from plastic bottles - ugh.

So, I think when he shows up to load his equipment, I may just accidentally trip and dump my dead asparagus (a three-year crop) that I could have harvested next spring into the cab of his truck. And gasp with wide-eyed-wonder when he finds a running garden hose stuck in through the window. That or I'll be waiting with my underfed dogs....

So, dear reader, I still hold out hope of posting before and after pics of the lawn and garden beds that I have so carefully planned. And I know that there are people in the world with actual problems of which this is not one and all this will pass and I really, really will forget all about this stress but, today, I'm just ready to give up.


I'll be back to sunshine, butterflies and ain't-life-grand tomorrow. Promise!

Hiccup!

I won't be posting for a few days. Work has finally started in the yard. However, in the process of excavating for the addition, a severed cable has rendered us internet access-less. :(

Hang in there with me and I'll be back soon!

Gardening 2010, If You Can Call It That...

Yes, that's it -- a few lowly basil, oregano and sage plants. Until I planted these, though, I was feeling very bummed about not having a garden this year due to the house addition. Funny how three pots of herbs can improve one's outlook!

We break ground tomorrow and the earth-moving should be done within a week or so. The upside to this year's losses is that I'll have three times the growing space next year. I've got a lot of work ahead to build the beds and get them healthy and full of worms again. Can't wait, though, my hands have missed the dirt!

And who knows? I may put a few tomato and pepper plants in after all!

Spring Is Sprouting!

My little seedlings are coming along quite nicely. After a conversation with our contractor, I may have to end up giving many of them away if our yard isn't regraded by planting time. I'm not giving up yet, though.

Spring Break

I'll be back to my normal blogging rhythm next week when school starts back. It's been a productive but relaxing week.

What I've been doing (instead of blogging):

• Cleaning everything out of the basement to get it ready for construction. Almost done!

• Playing games with the kids. I'm not always good at seizing the moment so I've made it a point to stop being 'busy' and sit down with them every day.  

• Lots of baking and cooking. 

• Dumping warm laundry on my kids on the cool mornings we've had. This is one of our favorite little habits. I love that they love this so much. If I call from the basement, "Everybody on the couch", they know what it means and go running. Any other time they would insist that there isn't enough room on the couch for three people.

• Sewing these little blankets and napkins.

I Haven't Disappeared...

It's my kids' spring break and there are so many card games to be played. :)

Plus, things are getting quite busy with the upcoming house renovations. I'm learning that every time I step outside to meet with the supervisor and subs, at least two hours somehow passes before I come back in. Not that I mind, of course. I'm learning  a lot about drainage, excavation and moving dirt around in general. It will be fun to post before and after pictures! 

I will do my best to write a 'real' post tomorrow. 

(Thanks to Tabatha for keeping me honest here. It's nice to be missed!) :)